Before the person
Before entering a more serious relationship with someone it is so important to know who you are, as well as being confident in yourself. When someone has these qualities it is SO attractive, trust me! Attaining these qualities of becoming completely secure in yourself and how you look, as well as truly knowing your worth and value will have such a positive effect on cultivating any lasting relationship.
Although, when a person has the opposite qualities (insecurities, low self-esteem, and lack of confidence) they tend to jump from relationship to relationship never truly knowing who they are or what they want.
When two healthy, secure people come together, they create a healthy, secure relationship. So set your standard BEFORE the relationship by learning how to love yourself and becoming truly confident in who you are, and you’ll start to attract just that 😉
Knowing your parameters
If you cannot respect yourself or your body, how do you expect others to? Once you begin to respect yourself, others will start to respect you as well. When it comes to dating, one of my biggest tips is to stay true to who you are, know what you want, and don’t settle.
First, staying true to who you are, means not straying away from your beliefs or things that you enjoy, just for the sake of having someone like you. If you have to change yourself, habits, or ways of acting for someone else’s approval, most likely your relationship with that person will not last long. Strive towards having a loving and lasting relationship by being unapologetically yourself.
Second, knowing what you want means taking the time to know what you are looking for in a potential partner. I suggest writing a list of everything you look for in a mate and keeping it somewhere where you can see it often.
Finally, do not settle. Not settling means not falling for the first guy that shows interest in you. Through your unique journey, there will be plenty of men that will show interest in you. From experience, I highly recommend becoming friends with the person you are interested in and really getting to know them before getting super serious. Just like a tall building cannot stand without a strong foundation, start building a strong foundation for your relationship with friendship.
So…. What is love?
Below is a note from one of my favorites interviews of Rabbi Abraham Twerski talking about the difference between selfish love and true love.
“’Young man. Why are you eating that fish?’ The young man says, ‘Because I love fish.’ He says, ‘Oh. You love the fish. That’s why you took it out of the water and killed it and boiled it.’ He says, ‘Don’t tell me you love the fish. You love yourself, and because the fish tastes good to you; therefore, you took it out of the water and killed it and boiled it.’
So much of what is love is fish love. A young couple falls in love. A young man and young woman fall in love. What does that mean? That means that he saw in this woman someone who he felt could provide him with all of his physical and emotional needs, and she saw in this man somebody that could provide for all of her physical and emotional needs, but each one is looking out for their own needs. It’s not love for the other. The other person becomes a vehicle for my gratification.
Too much of what is called love is fish love. An external love is not on what I’m going to get but I’m going to give… People make a serious mistake in thinking that you give to those whom you love, and the real answer is you love those to whom you give.
His point is if I give something to you, I’ve invested myself in you. Since self-love is a given, everybody loves themselves, now that part of me has become in you, there’s part of me in you that I love. True love is a love of giving, not a love of receiving.”
Questions to ponder (before, after, or during a relationship):
- Am I in love, or in lust with this person?
- Do we similar visions in the area of children, finances, faith, family, etc…?
- How do we handle conflict, and how could we become better at it?
- Do you feel confident in yourself and your abilities?
- Are our beliefs similar, spiritually?
- Do I feel safe and secure with this person?